Ash Ketchup
by StupidSequel
Summary: Ash aspires to be cool enough to be the same person as Red since Gary is apparently cool enough to be the same person as Blue. After losing a battle and numerous failed attempts to "be cool" a mysterious trio gives him a book on how to become a Pokemon Master in just three days. Inspired by this one book I read in elementary school "Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days."


**Ash Ketchup**

Ash had beaten the elite four. Now all he had to do was beat the champion. Cue epic Blue theme music.

"This is a six on six Pokemon battle. No substitutions are allowed by either opponent." The referee explained.

"Hi ya! I am Blue, the Elite Four champion of the Kanto region. I am also known as Gary Motherfucking Oak cuz I'm cool enough to be the same person as Blue." His cheerleaders cheered him on.

"Well, I'm Ash Motherfucking Ketchum," Ash said. Silence, followed by a random cough.

"Umm, NO! You're not cool. You're stupid." Blue teased. "And I am probably about to prove it. Go, Pidgeot!" Blue sent out Pidgeot.

"Go, Bulbasaur!" Ash sent out Bulbasaur. "Use razor leaf, since I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that grass is strong against flying." The leaves bounced off Pidgeot's metallic feathery hide. No effect.

"Dafuq was that?" Blue burst out laughing. "You're just a kid. Pidgeot, finish it off with gust." Pidgeot KO'ed Bulbasaur with its gust.

"Bulbasaur is unable to battle. Pidgeot wins."

Ash did not want that to stop him. He returned Bulbasaur to its Pokeball. "NO! I WILL NOT GIVE UP THIS EASILY! Go, Bulbasaur!" Blue face palmed. The Pokeball would not release Bulbasaur. "I SAID GO BULBASAUR!"

"Dude, I saw its spiral eyes. No need to deny it any more."

"Well fine, I'll just uncurl them. And I have a plan. Go, Snorlax!" Ash sent out Snorlax.

"Ash's next Pokemon is Snorlax. Let the battle continue."

"No, no, no! I just sent out Snorlax to try to shatter Bulbasaur's Pokeball so I could release it. I think it's broken or something."

"Too late. You have to battle with Snorlax. Rules are rules."

"The reason you can't release your Bulbasaur is because the Pokeball recognizes when a Pokemon is KO'ed." Blue elaborated. Snorlax slept the whole time while Pidgeot pecked it to a bloody pulp since it was too heavy to be affected by any wind attacks.

"NO! SNORLAX!"

"Snorlax is unable to battle because it is dead. Pidgeot wins."

"Fine then. I quit! I know grass is strong against flying and yet your flying attacks acted like they were super effective against my grass type. I know that's not the case because I grew up knowing that grass attacks are super effective against flying. You're impossible to beat. You are Jesus incarnate."

"Nope. There is one person in the world who has beaten me. His name is Red and he looks a lot like you. I'm not impossible to beat. Just impossible for _you _to beat _me._"

Ash began piecing together random thoughts.

"So if Blue is the same person as Gary Motherfucking Oak because he's cool, then if I become cool, then I can become the same person as Red?"

"In theory, yes, but on the day you become cool, Masterballs will be given out in commonplace marts and Mew will be offered as a starter."

Ash was thinking long and hard about how to become cool enough to be the same person as Red. "Ash Motherfucking Ketchum. That has a nice ring to it. I bet that's why Blue/Gary is so cool."

Ash appeared in court to change his middle name.

"Ash Bieber Ketchum, you officially change your middle name to Motherfucking?"

"Yes."

"I see nothing wrong with that. Seems legit."

Ash's middle name was officially now Motherfucking. But everyone was still just calling him the same ol same ol "Ash Ketchum" while everyone referred to Blue as "Gary Motherfucking Oak."

"It's just not the same," Blue said in a condescending way. "You can't just manually change your name. That just makes you as uncool as Buzz Killington smoking a fag."

Ash remembered that he wanted to be a Pokemon master. "Red is a Pokemon master since he beat Gary Motherfuckin Oak, so if I become cool, then I am automatically a Pokemon master. I am now on easy street!"

Ash randomly danced and sang Gangnam Style on the S.S. Anne, only to be met with comments such as "Gangnam Style is so prehistoric era. Anyone who still thinks it's cool is officially lame."

Every attempt to be cool ultimately ended in failure, from untying a Makuhita's head, revealing its brains and going to jail for Pokemon abuse to making the universe explode by trying to see what below a Dugtrio looks like to being charged with Pokemon mutilation by separating an Exeggcute egg from the rest of its pack.

"I am officially out of ideas. I NEED A MIRACLE!" Ash pouted.

Just then Team Rocket showed up, looking exactly like themselves. They recited the usual Team Rocket motto. "Meowth, that's right."

"TEAM ROCKET!"

"We're not Team Rocket."

"You're not? Whew, that's a relief. Now I know I definitely can trust you with my life and my Pikachu. Here you go! Take care of it for me."

"Uh, thanks? But that's not what we're here for. We noticed you're a poor unfortunate soul in need." Not Team Rocket handed him a book.

"Be a Pokemon Master in Just Three Days?"

"Yes. Make sure you follow the instructions in that book EXACTLY."

"SIR YES SIR!" Ash responded like a soldier responding to a drill sergeant.

Ash opened the book. "Prologue: FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY PL0X. I AM WATCHING YOU LIKE BIG BROTHER IN THE 1984 NOVEL." Nothing else.

"Day 1: Tomorrow, go through the whole day wearing a piece of broccoli around your neck. Do not lose it at all."

"That is easy as pie." Ash chuckled. "I am on easy street. Life is awesome!"

As the day went, the broccoli started to stink worse than my seventh grade history teacher.

A few awkward stares, puke puddles, and severed friendships later, Ash read chapter 2 of his book.

"Day 2: Tomorrow you must sing the alphabet backwards while balancing on one foot at any time during the day." A little harder, but still pretty easy. In fact, so easy, I don't even need to describe how it went. Just take my word for it that he succeeded.

Ash looked at day 3's task and gasped in horror.

"If you think about THE GAME, then you lose THE GAME. Starting on midnight tonight, your task is to not think about THE GAME at all until after 11:59:59 PM the next day. Be wary of anyone randomly saying anything about THE GAME or having it randomly written anywhere at all, so you're probably better off not even leaving your home, and yes, dreaming about THE GAME counts as losing, so sleeping is out of the question. You're probably thinking "NO WAY! I CANNOT DO THIS." You got this far, right? Here's a bit of good news: if you successfully complete this extremely tough last challenge, you are officially a Pokemon Master! But if you fail this task, you can never become a Pokemon master, ever. It's do or die time!" Well, good luck starting this midnight!" Ash looked at the clock. Five minutes to midnight. He prayed a quick prayer to Arceus. One minute till. Ash wasn't feeling the least bit tired. Thirty seconds. Twenty. Ten. Five... The clock officially started.

Ash tried to fill his thoughts with as much stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with games at all. Everything from ships and shoes to ceiling wax, and cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Ash's whatever he has that's equivalent to a brain was feeling exhausted. He glanced at his watch. It was 12:03. Just 1437 minutes to go of not thinking about THE GAME. The ultimate test of thought control.

Early morning the next day his mom called him down to eat breakfast.

"Ash, you've been neglecting school since you turned ten. I think this report card of all F's says it all. You are going back to school THIS INSTANT!"

"NO! I MIGHT THINK ABOUT THE THING I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT!"

"Too bad!"

Ash felt old despite being ten.

"So did anyone watch U of L versus U K last night? You know, the -"

"La la la la, I'm not listening," Ash screamed, interrupting the teacher. _That was close! Glad I prepared for all possibilities. _Ash stuck pencils deep in his ears so he could avoid another close call. _If I permanently damage my ear drums, it will be well worth it._

At lunch someone wrote "THE G-" on the wall with a Sharpie marker when Ash kicked them down just in time to avoid writing the final letters. He glued his eyes shut as a precaution. _If I bump into everything it will be well worth it._

During the obscenely long homestretch, he busied his, um, brain substitute thingie with heavy metal music and non-game related thoughts. As it was creeping closer and closer to midnight, Ash was getting antsy. Finally midnight came. It was like peeing after a balloon bladder.

"I DID NOT THINK ABOUT THE GAME AT ALL! YES! I AM A POKEMON MASTER!" Ash checked the next page.

"You failed."

"What?" Ash said flatly. He read on.

"You may have avoided thinking about THE GAME until midnight, but your watch is a little slow, so you failed before you even started, as in, way at the beginning."

"FUUUU-"

Ash flew to Mount Silver. He didn't want to have to resort to this, but it seemed the only option right now. He greeted Red, and then he got out his Scyther he caught on the way, cut off his own arm and Red's arm with Scyther, and Ash stitched his own arm on Red's body using the Sewaddle he also caught earlier. He did the same thing with all other appendages as well as his own head in place of Red's head but he still had Red's body.

"Yay, I am now the same person as Red. I am a Pokemon master now! Screw you, book!" He looked around. No Pikachu. "Damn it, I left it with the guys who are definitely not Team Rocket. Hope they're taking good care of her."

Jesse burped while James and Meowth applauded.

"The twerp's Pikachu tastes better than fried Magikarp!" James said in between chews. The other two nodded in agreement.


End file.
